Hey, hey, hey! I’m Sarah Hanlon, a writer, multimedia artist, and once-upon-a-time reality television…dare I say…star?
It’s coming up on ten years since I appeared on — and won — Big Brother Canada. And lately, as one does when they enter a new phase in life, I have been reflecting a lot about my time on the show.
Obviously winning a reality TV show comes with its perks and pleasures, but there is a darker side to the experience that people may not expect, or even believe.
Here are some of the best and worst parts of winning a reality TV show, looking back nearly a decade later.
1.
BEST: Fame. Dear reader, I will not lie to you here on the World Wide Web. As someone who has always loved the thrill of centre stage, I can, without an ounce of shame, admit that I love the fame that winning a reality show has brought me. First and foremost is the feeling of superiority I have over the people who bullied me in high school. More seriously though, “fame” gave me the opportunity to work in the Canadian media industry. After the show, editors and producers began to reach out for collaborations. I was able to leverage the experience into a decade-long career writing and hosting. Not easy, and maybe not the norm, but reality TV “got my foot in the door.”
Even more importantly, the power of reality TV fame is in its ability to represent narratives and mindsets that are often underrepresented on television. I was raised on television. I believe in the power of pop culture and representation in media; I see reality television as a means to harness that power.
2.
WORST: Fame. I can’t let reality stardom get off that easy. Listen, I realize that the fame one experiences as a reality TV participant is different than actual fame-fame. But it still has a weird and sometimes scary side. Directly after my season there were events with whole hordes of people who were excessively intrusive, clingy, and grabby! I could not believe it. I was in such a daze being out in the world after 70 days in isolation so I did not have my full ability to push it off. I have received super hateful messages about my sexuality and my beliefs and I know this to be pretty standard among my peers. One time I got a IG DM while I was at a bar saying “I can see you” and then “I am watching you” attached with a picture of myself! So yeah, its not all smugness and satisfaction over here!
3.
BEST: Fortune! $100K tax-free?! YES, PLEASE. Winning Big Brother Canada completely changed my life financially. I had zero savings and was making minimum wage at a weed lounge in Toronto with questionable legality before moving into the Big Brother Canada house. Never in a million years could I have dreamed of being able to buy a home in Canada with the way the housing market is. And that is exactly what I did with my winnings.
4.
WORST: More money, more problems. Being propelled into the world of banking and home ownership was enough pressure, but one of the worst things about winning Big Brother was the way everyone had an opinion about how I was supposed to spend my money. “You GOTTA capitalize on this moment,” “act now — you can’t wait,” “if you don’t do X, Y, and Z exactly, bad things will happen!” $100K is a lot of money, but people acted like I was set for life. Even complete strangers would do this to me on the street. Lots of people make over $100K every year and I really don’t think people treat them this way – but now that I think about it, maybe we should start yelling at rich people about what they should do with their money!
5.
BEST: Security. I lived the dream with my partner and our two dogs in that home in Hamilton, Ontario for the best six years of my life. Since then, I sold that home, bought a van, travelled North America full time for two years with my elderly dog, Annie, and after all that I have found myself back in Toronto. I have had countless comforts and adventures in life directly because of my time on reality TV. All that could never have happened without my win and I will forever feel so incredibly lucky and grateful for the money. They say money can’t buy happiness, but it bought a tiny sense of security for me and my little family that sure made me happy.
6.
WORST: Typecasting. As much as I am clearly grateful for the opportunities reality has given me, I would be wrong for not mentioning the ways in which it has also stifled other career paths I could have chosen, and sometimes wonder if I should have chosen. A decade later, I am tired of piecing together freelance project after freelance project, constantly selling myself and defending what is almost always seen as my “big break.” I can’t know for sure, but I often feel I have been rejected for more “traditional” jobs due to my reality TV notoriety and my easily Google-able personal details.
7.
BEST: Best friends! Meeting your best friend on reality TV? Highly recommended! We had to be there for each other in such stressful times, it gave us this foundation that is un-rockable. Reality TV brings you together with people you would have never met otherwise, and while Brittnee and I are very different, we formed a friendship based on support first and common interests second. I feel like this is why the franchise is known for producing lots of successful couples. And the best part? Everything is captured for posterity. We have our very first hug on tape and all our cute-ass moments supporting each other, feeling so isolated and stressed. And ten years later, I have been able to be there for so many incredible moments and memories. I truly won the second I walked through those doors and met Brittnee Blair!
8.
WORST: Losing friends in real life. I got the old “You’ve changed since being on TV” from a few people and let me tell you — IT STUNG. Did I change? Were we friends in the first place? Who knows! Being on a reality TV can really mess with your sense of self because lots of people, even close friends and family, treat you differently afterwards. It sucks! In my experience, people began to expect more from me. They saw my post-show life as this perfect, exciting thing, and it made it easy for people to stop checking in on me, or nurturing the relationship we once had. Unwarranted resentments from casual friendships were tolerable, even fun to be honest, but to have people I felt were very close to me be obviously unhappy with my 15 minutes of fame kinda rocked my world.
9.
BEST: Community! I am still close with a handful of people from my season and the relationships we have are really special since we went though so much together. I have also met people from other reality shows, and there is this weird kinship there. I’ve also met other people through Big Brother in lots of indirect ways, whether they were fans of the show, worked on the show, or an affiliated project — being on reality TV has connected me with so many great people over the years. And that is truly the gift that keeps on giving.
10.
WORST: Frenemies. Winning Big Brother gave me rose-coloured glasses about the whole experience and I remember leaving the house thinking I had just made a whole new family. In reality, many of the people cast on my season have values that are the complete opposite of mine — as per the nature of this type of reality TV show that aims to showcase a diverse range of characters. I knew what type of role I was being cast to fill, and honestly, I went in proud to do it. Being radically progressive and proudly Queer, I knew there would be people cast as my “opposite,” but I let my optimism and guilt about winning cloud my better judgement about their character. I gave those people too much benefit of the doubt in thinking they were accepting of me when they were only playing a game. Years later, it has become really clear to me what they stand for, and I really beat myself up for taking so long to see it!
11.
BEST: People come up to me on the street. People who love TV are my people, and usually when they recognize me, it’s such a fun lovely little exchange. So this means if you ever see me on the street and want to say hi and take a selfie, please do!
12.
WORST: People approaching me on the street. Sometimes I look bad! Sometimes I am on my way to a pap smear! Sometimes I am late! This is a caveat to #11, just in case I do not want to take a picture.
13.
BEST: Being able to see behind the scenes. The Big Brother Canada production team is known around the world as one of, if not THE best in the franchise. And I felt so safe with them — people criticize reality television as exploitative, but if there were more people in the industry like the Big Brother Canada production team, it would be a much better world. Special shoutout to host with the most, Arisa Cox here! Being able to be in Arisa’s presence was like getting a master class in crowd work.
14.
WORST: Haters and know-it-alls. Reality TV fans employ more opinions than Andy Cohen does on Housewives. Lots of people think I did not deserve my win and the feel the need to let me know online, or even in person. It is as fun as it sounds! I need people to realize the bank didn’t care that “too many twists went in her favour.”
15.
BEST: Wild memories. Crawling through a life-size ant maze dressed as an ant! Walking through a giant train set! Swimming in a pool in a fake backyard in a film studio! Walking out to a cheering crowd and being told I just won a show I have been watching since I was 12 years old! The best.
16.
WORST: Wild comments from strangers. “Did you have sex on camera?” “Did you hook up with people on the show?” “How did you all masturbate in there?” “You were on one of those terrible shows, eh?” “Does it upset you that I do not know who you are?” People demand access to reality TV performers in an aggressive way and some people say the rudest shit just to prove some point about being too good for reality television. The best is the men who insist on coming up to tell me they don’t watch “those shows,” but that their wives love me. I bet they do buddy, I bet they do.
17.
BEST: Becoming a stoner icon. When I went on the show I made the decision that in order to be able to play the game I couldn’t waste any energy trying to filter myself. Because of that, I was open about all aspects of my life, including my love of cannabis. Turned out to be a great decision. I was able to normalize pot on a huge scale and represent a culture I care for deeply. One time a guy named Tiny came up to me while I was at work and told me he watched my season from prison and everyone was rooting for me. That meant a lot.
18.
WORST: REGRETS. Even though I won my season, there are still some things I wish I had done differently. Having video evidence of this is also not ideal. Being filmed 24/7 for 70 days certainly led to some cringe moments that will live on the internet forever (like my freestyle rap session, for example). Why Sarah, why?
19.
BEST: The GIFs. Need I say more?
Have any questions for me on what it’s like to be on a reality TV show? Drop them in the comments below!
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